Most of the people approaching my coaching sessions talk about their breakups. I ask them three questions:
- Why exactly they want to pursue a relationship?
- What do they want to find in their partners?
- What did they learn from their ‘Relationship & The Break up Experiences’?
People come up with different insightful answers that I want to share with you.
Unawareness About Self
Many times, when we enter into a relationship first time, we don’t know who we are? What are our preferences and goals in life? What kind of people do we like to be friends with? What type of people do we get along well? This lack of awareness sometimes ends up choosing partners who are completely different from us. Eventually, we come across our differences and have to end the relationship for our peace of mind.
We Are Vulnerable & Desperate
There are times when we are vulnerable and desperate for a relationship for some reasons like facing emotional lacking, break up, loneliness, bad relationship experiences in the past, depressions or so. In the situation, we can fall in love with anyone who can fill the void in our lives regardless of that person is right for us or not. If the person is not right, we have to face the consequences.
Or, in this case, we become dependent on the other that overburdens a relationship and drive it towards break up.
Here, we should remember that a relationship is not a solution to our personal problems. Rather, it’s an additional challenge.
Lack of Compatibility
In this case, people start a relationship out of infatuation or lust. Later, when they have to deal with everyday life matters practically, they realize they are two different persons. They have a serious difference of opinion on most of the things. Over time, they develop an emotional bonding but intellectually and personally they are two poles apart. So, they end up in fights and finally face a Goodbye.
Personal Growth Of One Partner
Sometimes, when two people come into contact with each other, they are compatible. However, with time, one of them gets more opportunities to grow. It causes a gap between their approach towards life. It may take many years, but once the relationship becomes incompatible, relationship problems spring out. If both the spouses don’t look at the matter empathetically and don’t find solutions, the relationship ruins.
Lack of Personal Space
When one of the partners tries to control other person’s views, personality and decisions, it causes a rift in the relationship. Equal rights, mutual decisions and personal space are the three things that can make a healthy and happy relationship. It is a partnership where both feel respected and independent.
If one of the spouses becomes materialistic and starts judging relationships on the basis of money and social status, and the other spouse doesn’t cope up with the change, the relationship faces imbalance that may end up in a breakup.
The worst thing about arranged marriages is, parents evaluate and like the matches for their children on their criterion of good or bad, rather than selecting a match that best suits to the nature, personality, priorities and desires of their son or daughter. Likewise, in these situations, both the would-be-groom and would-be-bride show utter obedience to their parents. They don’t make sure that the match of their parents’ choice is a really suitable and likeable match for them as well or not. After marriage, when both husband and wife come across their stark differences, they may not get along for a long time.
The entire information brings up three insights: self-awareness, personal development and compatibility. First, we should get to know about ourselves. Once we define who we are and what are our life goals and preferences, we should not pursue relationships.
Second, before entering a relationship, first we should get to know the person because it will decide the person is compatible with us or not.
Third, if we are in a crisis, this is the worst time to go for a relationship. Here, first, we should deal with our crisis and personal flaws. Once we feel healed and strong, we are ready for the relationship.
Fourth, we should nurture our relationships consciously by enjoying and growing together.
Fifth, the mentioned above facts not only work in case of love relations but for all other social relationships, too.